Presenting The “Too Hot For TV” Fifty Shades Of Grey Trailer

July 24, 2014 / Posted by:

This morning, the first full-length trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey (aka the Walmart version of Secretary) was supposed to premiere on the Today show, but it was deemed “too hot for morning TV” and all the horny mommies were told that if they wanted to see the hot hardcore action, they’d have to disable the Net Nanny and watch it online. There must be a bunch of busted thermometers at NBC, because nothing about this trailer is “too hot” for the Today show. Kathie Lee Gifford has had on-air hot flashes that were hotter than this lukewarm trailer.

Literally the “hottest” scene was when Dakota Johnson appeared wearing a wool cardigan and I thought “Damn, if it’s warm enough in that office for every other bitch to go sleeveless, Dakota Johnson must be hot as fuck.” Other than that, I have a hard time remembering the rest of what happened in the trailer, because it was boooorrrinnng and I fell asleep. I actually had to throw on some Lana Del Rey to wake my ass up. The trailer is 2 and a half minutes long, and most of that time is dedicated to Beyoncé moaning “Crazy in Love” like a narcoleptic zombie and Jamie Dornan looking like he just woke up from a botched lobotomy.

Meanwhile, a million middle-aged pussies just exploded fire like an active volcano from all the XXX hotness.

And here’s the star of the hottest, raunchiest, nastiest mainstream porno of all time looking like Fifty Shades of Prairie Hipster with her boyfriend in New York City yesterday.

Pics: Splash

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 24, 2014 / Posted by:

SprayCake, the microwavable spray cake batter that us lazy asses and the Mama June set have been dreaming of for centuries!

Humanity has reached peak evolvement, because we no longer have to sprain our hands while mixing powdered cake batter with tap water and we no longer have to bite our finger tips off while anxiously waiting for our ovens to shit out a fully baked caaaaaaake. Microwavable spray cake is FINALLY here. Two students at Harvard named Brooke Nowakowski and John McCallum came up with the idea for a class project and brought it to life. They are now the most important Americans who ever existed and I’m not even mad that they didn’t give credit to the real genius who gave them the idea: WEEEEEEEED.

Brooke and John tell CBS Boston (important interview below) that they researched to see if a patent for microwavable spray cake has ever been filed and they couldn’t believe it when they discovered that no such patent exists. Sure, crap like Warm Delights and Batter Blaster (I know, that’s the title of my favorite bukkake porn too) exists, but nobody has EVER put cake batter in a whipped-cream can. All you have to do is spray that cake batter in a microwavable container, nuke that shit for 60 seconds and out will come a freshly baked cake that probably tastes like the yeast infection a piece of cardboard would produce after doing itself with a dildo made of sugar. Delicious!

Brooke and John are working on patenting their invention and have already found someone to sell it.

I hope that SprayCake comes in a bigger size other than extra small (that’s an extra small-sized can, right?), because when I’m lonely, stoned and sad on a Saturday night, I’m going to stick that can in my mouth and guzzle my way to happiness. And I’m going to be really damn mad if that little can empties before my pain and emotions have fully drowned in spray can cake batter. Jennifer Aniston probably pre-ordered a dozen boxes of SprayCake, just in case….

via HuffPo

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Birthday Sluts

July 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Lynda Carter (63)
Bindi Irwin (16)
Daveigh Chase (24)
Jay McGuiness (24)
Mara Wilson (27)
Lisa Hochstein (32)
Elisabeth Moss (32)
Anna Paquin (32)
Summer Glau (33)
Rose Byrne (35)
Torrie Wilson (39)
JLo (45)
Kristin Chenoweth (46)
Laura Leighton (46)
Kadeem Hardison (49)
Barry Bonds (50)
Pam Tillis (57)
Gus Van Zant (62)
Michael Richards (65)
Robert Hays (67)
Gallagher (68)
Chris Sarandon (72)
Dan Hedaya (74)
Ruth Buzzi (78)
John Aniston (81)

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Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

She’s great at giving big smiles, pretending her personality is as sweet as her voice. It depends. If she’s talking to Ellen DeGeneres, well, of course she’s lovely and accommodating. But what if it’s a child in a wheelchair?

There was a kid who had a wish. The wish was to meet her favourite star. So they made arrangements for it to happen at an event earlier this year where the star was promoting her show. They set up the wheelchair at the end of the red carpet, everyone had been informed, and then, when it came time for the moment, as soon as they started introducing her to her young fan, she cut off the handler, said, “NO”, and then walked away…even though the family had specifically flown there for the opportunity.

She has ONE advocate. One. And that’s only because he made her. But since he’s caring less and less about that particular project, when that’s done, she won’t have any supporters left. Because no one can fucking stand her. (Lainey Gossip)

Lea Michele? Leave it to Lea Michele to turn a Make-A-Wish situation into a Make-A-Nightmare situation. Who ever this is, they’ll soon receive an invitation to Ina Garten’s house where they’ll drink from flutes full of sparkling children’s tears and toast to making sick kids cry! But if this is Lea Michele, then it’s really out of character for her. You’d think that Lea would put on a manufactured smile, pose with the kid for the photographers and then wheel the kid backstage where she’d open up her black hole of a mouth and eat their soul.

And there’s more BIs after the cut. Continue reading

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Kid Rock’s Glass Dildo Has Been Subpoenaed In The Insane Clown Posse Harassment Lawsuit

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

I was thinking about photoshopping a glass dildo into Kid Rock’s grimy paw, but then I realized I’ve already filled my quota of nightmares by making you picture Justin Bieber blue steel-ing it in a pair of tighty-whiteys.

Rolling Stone says that human dirty needle Kid Rock received a subpoena telling him to hand over his glass dildo after it was declared evidence in a lawsuit involving human wet garbage, the Insane Clown Posse. The subpoena states that former ICP employee “Dirty Dan” Diamond (I do not want to know how he got the nickname “Dirty Dan”) tried to give a glass dildo to former ICP publicist Andrea Pellegrini after learning that she was single. Andrea, who is suing the Insane Jagoff Posse for harassment and emotional distress, claims she didn’t want to be “Dirty Dans” slutty Cinderella, so she returned the glass dildo to sender. “Dirty Dan” claims to have then passed the unwanted glass dildo on to Kid Rock. I’m not sure why he gave it to Kid Rock, but I assume it’s because he hated him (nothing says “go fuck yourself” like giving someone a re-gifted dildo).

Kid Rock has 14 days to produce the glass dildo in court, and if he doesn’t…I dunno, maybe they’ll send a SWAT team to his house with a pack of highly-trained dildo-sniffing dogs or something. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually feel bad for Kid Rock; 14 days isn’t a lot of time to say your goodbyes to a beloved sex toy. Imagine if you received a letter in the mail that says you must surrender your favorite vibrator or butt plug or anal beads?? That would be heartbreaking! I’m getting all Not Without My Daughter just thinking about it. I bet that right now, Kid Rock is smuggling his dirty scum-crusted glass dildo in a hidden compartment in his suitcase as he boards a train bound for Canada. “Don’t worry, little fella. I promise, they’ll NEVER tear us apart!”

Night Crumbs

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Pimp Mama Kris is shitting out a kookbook. You can finally get the recipe for Kim Kartrashian’s world-famous kum kasserole and PMK’s Sacrifice to Satan Surprise – Reality Tea

Zac Efron probably looks a lot like the beautiful unicorns that used to frolic in Robert Pattinson’s enchanted forest hair, so it makes sense that they’re friends – Lainey Gossip

If you thought that Selena Gomez was going through “a lesbian phase” when she was with Justin Bieber, your ass should know that might not have been a “phase,” because she’s on a boat with Michelle Rodriguez’s ex-piece Cara Delawhatever right now – Drunken Stepfather

Charlie Hunnam doesn’t care about getting an Emmy – Celebitchy

Photoshop has been challenged: Brit Brit is modeling her own line of lingerie now – The Superficial

Well, the good news is that at least a tampon string isn’t hanging out of Brandi Glanville’s twat – WWTDD

Will the Big Brother dudes stop teasing and have a big gay orgy in that ugly bird nest bed already? – Towleroad

And here’s a pussy nuzzling on a horse (not a link to a Trace Cyrus sex tape, I promise) – The Berry

Snoop Dogg turned the White House into the Green House (but probably not) – ICYDK

Miley Cyrus looking like a dumpster raver Susan PowterHollywood Tuna

The Brangeloonies will soon have another wedding picture of their idols to put in a silver frame on their mantle – Jezebel

Jack O’Connell’s soft peen: here it is – (NSFW) OMG Blog

FYI: Emmy Rossum doesn’t do the “cover the pin pan with my other hand” trick when she’s at the ATM – Popoholic

Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden are being gross together in Italy – Popsugar

Remember when Rachel McAdams was in The Hot Chick? Yeah, I blocked that out too – SOW

Lea Michele’s new piece’s week rate can’t be cheap. Bitch better get a new gig fast – Just Jared

True Blood did its job, because they made Ted Cruz mad – IDLYITW

Lafayette from True Blood comes for Luke “I Don’t Want To Do Gay Stuff On Camera” Grimes and it’s glorious – Pajiba

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Open Post: Hosted By Leonardo DiCaprio Throwing Kung-Fu Kicks On A Yacht

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Fresh off of sunning his vacation belly in Miami, Leonardo DiCatchAHo took his ass to St. Tropez where he showed us what a scene in Titanic would’ve looked like if Jack Dawson learned karate from Mr. Miyagi. While waiting for the 20 models he ordered to arrive in a crate, the leader of the Pussy Posse wowed his friends with his totally awesome karate moves. You know, a lot of us have said that Leo is two eyebrow-arches away from becoming Jack Nicholson, but I think we’ve had it wrong the entire time. That ponytail… That beard… The way it looks like his belly is gracefully jiggling as he delivers a serious, serious karate kick. If Leo replaces Lukas Haas with a panda and replaces his usual Victoria’s Secret Angel model girlfriend with two Russian sex slaves (“What’s the difference to him?” – you “Good point.” – me), then someone must stop him immediately. Because the world really doesn’t need or deserve two Steven Seagals.

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Eddie Cibrian And LeAnn Rimes Told His Boys About Their Affair

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above the moment she realized that the bowl of laxatives she ate for breakfast kicked in a little too fast AGAIN, LeAnn Rimes says that she and Eddie Cibrian have had several talks with his kids, 11-year-old Mason and 7-year-old Jake, about how they’re both huge, disgusting, shameless skank slut tramps who broke their own homes with their bull dozing genitals. Eddie telling his kids about him being a cheating whore makes sense, because kids are curious shits. They’re always asking all kinds of questions like: Where does Santa live? What is above the sky? And, why does mom always call that creepy, half-naked lizard pony centaur thing you live with a “life-ruining cum dumpster skeezer“?

Eddie and LeAnn tell Life & Style that they’ve told Mason and Jake the truth and Mason and Jake totally understand:

“We’ve had discussions with them about the whole situation,” Eddie says in the new issue of Life & Style, on stands now, of their honesty with Mason, 11, and Jake, 7, about their infidelity. “They understand more than you think they do,” LeAnn adds.

Uh huh, I’m really sure LeAnn laid the entire truth on them. Eddie and LeAnn probably sat Mason and Jake down and said, “Once upon a time, there was a multi-talented, devastatingly handsome, gold-hearted, loyal prince who was trapped in a marriage to a wretched, foul, evil, jealous, controlling drunk, fat praying mantis-like witch. The only way he could get out of his marriage is if the evil curse the witch cast on him was broken by true love’s kiss. One day, the prince met a naturally gorgeous, skinny young maiden with the voice of a million angels. The prince and the maiden fell in love and they kissed in a hotel room that the maiden rented for that very occasion. The spell was broken and the prince married the maiden, because she was way more gorgeous, way skinnier, looked better in a bikini and had way more Twitter followers than the nasty witch. The end!

Here’s Eddie and Falkor scaring all living things with her facial expressions at Extra this morning

Charlize Theron Was Mean To Tia Mowry At A Spin Class

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

I’ve always had a like for Charlize Theron, because she auditioned for Showgirls, wrestled Teri Snatcher in 2 Days in the Valley and plays down river trash like no other. But my like for her began to die when she started regularly wrapping her lips around Sean Penn’s dick and when blind items suggested that she’s always been a raging asshole. And now, she’s really, really, REALLY gone and done it. Charlize was mean to one of the Sister, Sister sisters at the overpriced torture chamber known as EatYourSoul Cycle. Somewhere in the deep, smelly bowels of Hell, one of Satan’s minions is making up a cell for Charlize Theron, because that’s where you go when you’re cunty to one of the stars of ABC’s TGIF! Bitch is lucky she wasn’t mean to Kimmy Gibbler.

In an exclusive interview that I’m sure will be picked up and thoroughly analyzed by CNN, the BBC and Al-Jazeera, Tia Mowry tells InTouch that she’s a fan of Charlize’s work, so when she saw Sean Penn’s #2 homegirl (after the late Hugo Chavez, of course) at a spin class, she decided to say hi. Either Tia Mowry is Charlize’s least favorite Mowry sister or she’s an uneducated twat who doesn’t know a true star from the 90s when she sees one, because she did what most of us do when we see Sean Penn’s face: she rolled her eyes. Tia told this harrowing tale of her bitchy moment with Charlize:

“She wasn’t very nice to me. I said ‘Hi,’ and she actually rolled her eyes and said, ‘Oh my God.’ I wasn’t over-the-top. I know how to approach another celebrity. Charlize was just mean. I’m just being honest.”

Tia Mowry missed a really good opportunity to say, “GO HOME, ROGER!”

This was obviously a major misunderstanding, because I don’t know how anybody could be bitchy toward a Mowry sister.  Here’s what really happened: Charlize wasn’t rolling her eyes, her eyes were spazzing out, because she couldn’t believe that she was staring at the one and only Tia Mowry! And Tia Mowry left before Charlize could finish her sentence. Charlize was about to say, “Oh my God…..I can’t believe I’m meeting the star of my favorite movie Twitches!” Tia was actually the one being rude to Charlize. Oh, Tia, why did you have to be so mean to your #1 fan?

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