Last December, the lemons of Malibu rotted before falling off of their tree branches after it was announced that the marriage between their queen Yolanda Foster and her king David Foster died like my last remaining brain cells whenever I watch all 3 parts of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion back-to-back. Around that time, some pointed out that the extremely reliable and 100% accurate Celebrity Net Worth claims that Yolanda’s fortune is worth $45 million compared to David’s which is worth $30 million. But when Yolo filed divorce papers, she’s the one who asked for a monthly spousal support check and OK! claimed she wanted $100,000 a month. Nobody said that getting weekly colonics, cryogenics and all the other Goop-approved shit she gets comes cheap.
TMZ says that Yolanda and David’s divorce is now settled, and he’s not going to drop a stack of money into her bank account every single month. Yolanda and David signed a prenup when they got married in 2011. The prenup states that Yolanda will not get a monthly spousal support check, but she will get a lump sum. One source says that David has set Yolanda up and has been very “generous,” but she’s not getting enough money to retire from doing whatever it is she does.
Let’s be clear: Yolanda isn’t getting enough money to retire the Yolanda way. But I’m sure she’s getting enough money to retire the-rest-of-us way. Because all I need to retire is a place with a roof, cable (all the channels), internet and enough money for In-N-Out, weed, booze and the occasional visit to The Old Spaghetti Factory. And it’s nice that David is being so generous, but I hope he’s not being too generous, because he’s going to need money for wife #5, wife #6, wife #7, and so on…
And here’s Yolanda’s daughter Bella Hadid giving us 90s groupie glamour while leaving The Nice Guy last night:
After posting about Bill Cosby, elder abuse and pedo rings of Hollywood today, I need a P12 grit palate cleanser (I know, I’m so butch when I talk sand paper grit) and here’s one in the form of a bulldog going yippee ki-yay, motherfucker, on a little wooden horsey. Thank you cowboy bulldog for being the Scrubbing Bubbles my brain needed.
No, Gabe the Bulldog’s human did not train him to saunter on over to a play horsey, mount it and ride it with happiness while putting up his little paw like a drunk mom on the mechanical bull at Saddle Ranch in West Hollywood. Gabe did it all himself! Riding and Cowboy-ing are in Gabe’s little bulldog heart.
I hate reboots more than I hate broccoli without mayonnaise, but now I want Hollywood to put Gabe in a reboot of Brokeback Mountain called Brokeback Dog Park.
I know that picture totally gave it away, but let’s be honest; I’m confident that no matter what picture I used, everyone still probably would have correctly guessed Tori Spelling. You don’t become Hollywood’s most-shameless get-money-bitch by accident. Tori and The Deaner are still in Europe with their kids, and last week she rang in her 43rd birthday at a castle in Denmark. Those matching 10th anniversary tattoos must have drained a little too much cash from the party planning budget, because UsWeekly says that if you wanted to attend Tori’s birthday party, you had to fork over $300 first. Of course she did! Month-long European vacations don’t pay for themselves, after all.
A local newspaper called BT promoted Tori’s party a few days before it took place at Naesbyholm Castle, and they expected between 120-150 guests. Apparently there are at least 120 people in this world who are willing to spend $300 to watch Tori Spelling’s face get dangerously close to 43 candles, and they all live in Denmark. Guests also got to take a picture with Tori.
I just hope Tori has a Suze Orman-type in her life who persuaded her to put some of that birthday party money towards her $38,000 American Express bill. “No Tori, You have enough fake hair. Put some of that money into a repayment plan.”
Since Tori charged admission to her birthday party, and she’s all about getting money, I wonder what else she charged for? Whatever else the guests were required to pay for, I’m sure The Deaner broke it all down for them.
“Hvad er crappening, cheese danishes? So listen, don’t put your wallets away just yet. Cake is $40. If you want a picture of the birthday girl, that’s an extra $20. Gotta drain the lizard or take a dump? $5 toilet fee. Beer will set you back $30 a bottle. Hey, do me a favor – if you’re heading over to the bar, grab me a cold Carlsberg? Or warm – The Deaner ain’t picky when it comes to scoring free booze.”
Side note: “The Pedo Rings of Hollywood” sounds like the Lord of the Rings as re-told by Satan.
Yesterday I posted about how Elijah Wood pretty much co-signed what Corey Feldman has been telling us for years by saying that there’s parties where Hollywood power players prey on vulnerable kid actors trying to get into the business. If you read that post, then Elijah would like you to take your internal mouse, hover over that piece of information and right-click delete it. Because Elijah says that his words were molded into click-bait.
The Guardian reported Elijah as saying in his interview with The Sunday Times that when he was a child actor in the game, he knew of Hollywood parties thrown by pedophile rings. Elijah said that his mom would never let him go to parties, but he knows that some of his fellow child actors were victims. Elijah said there “are a lot of vipers in this industry – people who only have their own interests in mind.” On Twitter yesterday, Elijah said in a series of tweets that he was talking about a documentary about child touchers in Hollywood called An Open Secret and wasn’t talking about anything he saw or was told firsthand:
“The Sunday Times interviewed me about my latest film but the story became about something else entirely. It prompted a number of false and misleading headlines. I had just seen a powerful documentary and I briefly spoke with the reporter about the subject which had consequences. I did not intend or expect. Lesson learned. Let me be clear: This subject of child abuse is an important one that should be discussed and properly investigated. But as I made absolutely clear to the writer, I have no first hand experience or observation of the topic, so I cannot speak with any authority beyond articles I have read and films I have seen.”
Hmmm… So either the evil powers-that-be in the Hollywood game got to Elijah and shut him up, or the media used his words to make headlines that everyone will click on. I’m going with the first one, because the second one has never ever happened in the history of the Internet. Ever.
I know, guy in the Kenny Powers sunglasses, I’m just as shocked as you are. Last week we learned that Henry Cavill had maybe sat his 19-year-old British college student girlfriend Tara King down, told her to put away her homework for a second, and informed her that she wasn’t going to be a famous person’s girlfriend anymore. But true mid-30s/teen love never dies, apparently. Or at the very least, finds a way to bring itself back to life a few times before it’s officially declared dead.
Shortly after the rumors of them being done popped up, Henry and Tara were seen at a charity run in Henry’s home isle of Jersey. Yes, that buff piece in the black shirt standing next to a ponytailed blonde in the peach tank above is Henry and Tara. But just because Henry and Tara got all sweaty for charity together, doesn’t necessarily mean he’s back off the market. A source told UsWeekly last week that their plan is to remain “good friends.”
Yahoo has a couple better pictures of Henry and Tara at the charity run. All of which feature Henry in some tight spandex running leggings and a pec-accentuating GoPro holster, which you can see here if you want to see that. What am I saying? Who wouldn’t want to see Superman’s junk stuffed in some tights? Well, besides all the critics who are shuddering at the idea of watching Batman vs. Superman a second time, of course.
Yahoo says that Henry and Tara were joined by Henry’s family (that lady in the hat taking a picture of Henry and Tara is Henry’s mama) and Tara’s daddy, and that they “happily” chatted with each other. No word on what they chatted about, but I’m going to guess that at least one person made it awkward by saying: “So…this is weird, right? Like, are they a thing or not? I’d really like to know how I should be tagging my Instagram pictures.”
A Christmas miracle happened last December when Bill Cosby was hit with three aggravated assault charges for allegedly drugging and sexually assaulting Andrea Constand at his home in Elkins Park, Pennsylvania in 2004. The Pennsylvania District Attorney charged Cosby just a month before the statute of limitations on the case expired. Andrea sued Cosby in civil court in 2005 and the case was later settled. The case was also originally closed by the D.A. due to lack of evidence, but it was re-opened last summer after 97.9% of the female population came forward with their own gross tales of Cosby’s alleged drugging ways, and a deposition where he admitted to giving ludes to women was unsealed. Cosby’s lawyers have been trying to get the charges against him thrown out, but that didn’t work, and now he’s going to trial.
CNN says that at a pretrial hearing in Norristown, Pennsylvania this morning, a judge ruled that there’s enough evidence for him to stand trial. The next hearing has been scheduled for July 20, and he’s expected to spit out his plea then and we’re all expecting it to be, “Sqoo bada NOT nerp dub paw tap tap GUILTY!”
AP also recently published pieces of Cosby’s deposition from Andrea Constand’s lawsuit in 2005. Cosby admitted that during the filming of one of his shows, an agency sent about five or six models, some of them teenagers, to his studio a week. Cosby testified that he remembers that he told one of the teenage models to jack him off with lotion. More details like that could come out during Cosby’s trial. So if you’re planning on following the trial, you should ask your doctor to drill an easy-access hole into your skull. That way you can easily pour a cleansing mixture of bleach and ammonia onto your brain at the end of each trial day.
If Cosby is convicted, he faces up to 10 years in the chokey. Also if Bill Cosby is convicted, our bodies face a life of having no heads, because that shit will pop off over finding out that a powerful man in Hollywood was actually punished for something.
Because there are no shortage of celebrities who get an attention boner from a good old fashioned publicity stunt, there are people who are suspicious of just how true and real Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton’s love is. Dlisted, for example. Hell, I’m pretty sure that if Ted Casablanca was still around, there’d be no end to the stories about “Harajuku Mom” and “The Y’all-y Jean Giant.”
Well, real or fake (or a marketable combination of the two), The Cut has a theory about why Gwen and Blake’s relationship is getting so much attention in the first place, and it has to do with paying barely-famous people to talk about them.
Just when this whole Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne breaking up ESCANDALO was dying down and the media was moving on, Kelly Osbourne has stepped onto the stage and has kept it alive by dousing it with gallons of pure liquid foolery. If this entire thing really is a shameless stunt to promote The Talk and Black Sabbath’s tour, then Sharon Osbourne should give Kelly a huge bonus, because she sicced her followers on her dad’s supposed ex-side ho and has screamed “ELDER ABUSE!”
Last night was the Los Angeles premiere of Alice Through the Looking Glass. One person who didn’t stroll up the red carpet was Helena Bonham Carter. I don’t know why she wasn’t there; maybe she couldn’t find an antique sewing machine for the undead ghost of an 1800s seamstress to make her an ensemble in time and decided that if she had to wear something off the rack and from this century, she wasn’t going to go. Regardless, I guess Anne Hathaway was missing her, because she decided to pay tribute to HBC with a meme yesterday.
Anne posted a picture of HBC in her rag bag best with the caption: “In a world of Kardashians…be a Helena Bonham Carter“, followed by a bunch of hearts and the word “(Red) Queen.” But if you want to see it, you’re going to have to swing by The Daily Mail. Why? Because shortly after she posted it, Anne yanked it down and replaced it with this:
Looks like we can add “shade” to the list that includes “photobomb” of words Anne Hathaway doesn’t really understand the meaning of. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Anne’s “In a world of Kardashians” felt like a straight-up read. Whatever it was, it was “unintended.” So Khloe, you can kalm down now; it looks like your services as the Kardashian family’s social media goon are not needed right now.
I don’t know if Anne necessarily had to clarify what she meant. After all, if Anne was going to come for someone, I’m pretty sure she’d do it by dressing up as a train and busting out a bitchy rendition of “Laughing Stock” from Starlight Express.
Here’s more of Ann-with-an-E at the premiere for ATTLG last night. Again, Anne really didn’t need to throw up that meme; she paid all the tribute to HBC needed by showing up looking like the Corpse Bride at her bachelorette party.
After the accident, we found what we thought was sliced pepperoni on the floor mat. – chuckfromct
I told you not to get the BJ in the cafeteria yesterday. – OurMissC