Because Duchess Meghan just had to find another way to make us hard-up, desperate, pathetic Prince Hot Ginge-lovers seethe with jealousy by letting us know that she bareback bones him on the regular, she has announced today that she’s pregnant with the seventh in line to the British throne. But I may not be the only one whose chonies are twisted up in a knot of hate over this news. The bloomers of Princess Eugenie and The Original Fergie™ might be too, because the BBC says that Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge told THE QUEEN and other first tier royals the baby news on Friday at Eugenie’s wedding at Windsor Castle. No, I’m sure that Princess Eugenie and Fergie are just oh-so-happy with this news and will send 37-year-old Meghan and 34-year-old PHG a congratulations bouquet with a note saying that they should name their child Prince or Princess Attention Whore Of Sussex since the fetus stole poor Eugenie’s spotlight! I love it.
The Royal Family is just like us! Well, one is anyway. Some of us (cough) are so obsessed with the royals that we’ll still be getting up early on Friday to tune into a non-BBC channel for the T.J. Maxx Royal Wedding, er, the nuptials of Princess Eugenie and her cousin (distant cousin…but still) Jack Brooksbank. Duchess Camilla will be doing the same thing since her ass isn’t even going to the wedding! While I was hoping it was because she was petty and had the BBC’s rules of “Prince Charles offspring only” for worthy royal weddings, but I guess she has a busy day of shaking hands ahead of her.
Duchess Meghan’s mom, Doria Ragland, hasn’t moved to London yet. But a few days ago she flew over to her daughter’s new homeland, and if she thought she was going to spend her days there sipping gin and Morrissey tears with THE QUEEN (and guzzling down three after Prince Philip tottered on in and asked, “Who are you spongeing off, love?“), she thought wrong. Because today, Doria put her wavin’ hand and smilin’ mouth to work at the launch of the charity cookbook her daughter did with some of the survivors of the Grenfell Tower fire. Prince Hot Ginge also came along and won the title of Sexiest Third Wheel Ever.
I was all about to cynically hate on Duchess Meghan for saying FUCK YES to the dress with her eyes, but I cannot blame her. My eyes would transform into exploding 4,000 watt Philips Hue light bulbs (in shade: hot ginger) if I was looking at the outfit I was going to wear on the day that I could say goodbye to seeing a late fee on a credit card bill and say hello to happily spreading burn cream on my lips (you decide which ones) after rubbing ’em on the royal ginger crotch scepter every night.
I’m sure that as soon as Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge officially became heir-producing machines by getting married, THE QUEEN would greet Meghan by sniffing her crotch for possible period blood fumes, and would regularly pop up at the foot of their bed with a bottle of Spanish Fly, a bluetooth speaker blasting some Barry White, and a sparkle in her eye that says, “Time to make the squishy squishy and give the monarch another royal.” Because Meghan’s job, besides brushing her hair 500 times until it’s princess perfect shiny and selling out clothes, is to pussy pop out another royal. Well, some think that Meghan may be close to fulfilling that job requirement just a few months after getting married.
When Prince Hot Ginge told Duchess Meghan that they were going to the THI-TURR last night, she must’ve figured they were going to go see Chicago, because she looked like she was ten seconds away from swirling out a Bob Fosse jazz hand while singing, “… the name on everybody’s lips is gonna be MEY-GHAN!” (see: the Roxie Hart shit she wore to the theater in the video after the cut). But they went to see Hamilton instead. The performance was a gala to raise money for PHG’s charity Sentebale, which helps children and young people living with HIV in Lesotho and Botswana. At the end of the show, PHG got onstage to thank everyone and while up there, he crooned out bits of a Hamilton song into a mic. That mic is now pregnant with little ginger mic babies. Those ginger mic babies will be seventh in line to the throne.