It’s a real pity Joan Rivers isn’t around to look at the ongoing maybe-tiff between Duchess Catherine and Duchess Meghan and have a big enough yawn that it tousles the weave on Giuliana Rancic. Kate and Meg may not be BFF4L to the point where Meghan and Prince Harry are moving from Kensington Palace to a big-ass, taxpayer-funded “cottage” (aka mansion) in Windsor. There’s now a report out that says Kate isn’t liking how all fashion eyes are on Meghan, so she’s upping her style.
I regularly dream of Prince Hot Ginge being in a fairy tale. Specifically, being in this fairy’s tail. So this is not the fairy tale starring PHG I had in mind. This is a sad one, and made the impossible happen. It made actual wet tears trickle out of my once barren crying ducts. Picture it: sad Prince Hot Ginge sitting on a $40,000 Chippendale chair as a lucky minion uses a $600 Irish linen handkerchief to carefully dab the hot ginger tears on his cheeks while he sorrowfully looks out of the window and sings a sad, acoustic version of When Will My Life Begin from Tangled. Because according to some royal expert, PHG feels like he’s living in a prison. Yes, an opulent gilded prison with maids and cooks and a golden 17th century bidet that used to power-wash King George II’s nethers. But still, a prison! Weep for him!
Samantha Markle better update the address of the half-sister who’d rather wear a coat that doesn’t sell out immediately than talk to her, because the next time she brings the paparazzi along to try to get into Kensington Palace, shit is going to look extra embarrassing for her since Meghan won’t be living there anymore. Just a month after it was announced that Prince Hot Ginge and Prince William are breaking up their offices at Kensington Palace, we learned that PHG and Meghan won’t be P. Willy and Duchess Kate’s neighbors anymore since they’re moving off to a quaint, little 10-bedroom cottage in the suburbs early next year. This is very good news for Prince George, because his delicate royal ears will no longer constantly be punched with the irritating sound of Meghan’s faux English accent, and he can turn his uncle’s old place into a giant closet for all his Mary Janes.
The Crown people need to stop whatever they’re doing and immediately start shooting the current day royal years, because I really want to sit back with a cup of gin on the rocks (in honor of THE QUEEN) and get into the 100% factual scene where Meghan Markle (played by Duchess Meghan) and THE QUEEN (played by Imelda Staunton in older lady drag) tussle over a tiara as a Corgi bites at Meghan’s ankle and Prince Philip referees.
The New York Times of England known as The Sun says that THE QUEEN had to tell Prince Hot Ginge to check his ho (those are the exact words THE QUEEN used) when Meghan got mad about not being able to wear her first choice for a tiara on her wedding day. Who knew that Samantha Markle was the new editor-in-chief of The Sun? Congrats on getting an actual job, Sammy!
It’s not all shrimp on the Barbie and Kylie Minogue sing-offs during the Australian (and other places) royal tour of Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan (seen above cosplaying as Sarah Jessica Parker in Oscar de la Renta at the the Australian Geographic Society Gala Awards in Sydney). The two were on a chartered Qantas flight into Sydney earlier today, and they were basically at the runway when the pilot pulled a “JK, mates!” and had to abort the landing and go around for a do-over. No, it wasn’t because they saw Thomas Markle and decided to get the eff out of there. There was another plane, but Thomas might come into play when the expecting parents get back to London.
So, let’s recap. Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge just had to smother our faces with the fact that they’re having lots of raw dogging fun by announcing that an heir has moved into her womb (or “Official Heir-Producing Property of the Royal Family” as THE QUEEN calls it). And then during their Australian tour, they further smothered our faces with their love by getting into all sorts of public displays of affection that can easily be labeled as: Goddammit, get a room already, haven’t we been through enough?!!!! Us crazed HotGingeopaths bravely dealt their heart-stabbing antics, because we thought that maybe just maybe PHG would throw us a ginger bone. Kind of like how Prince William assumed the position during a photo-op. Although, Willy could’ve kept that.
So loins probably tingled when PHG and Duchess Meghan paid a visit to Bondi Beach in Sydney today. Everything I know about Bondi Beach I learned from the nipple-hardening pictures of Hugh Jackman running around all hot and shirtless with his hot (and shirtless) trainer. So I figured that it was a law that all hot pieces must be topless when on Bondi Beach. But I guess not, because PHG showed up dressed like Jerry from accounting at a conference in Honolulu. A sad moment for us desperate pathetic hos who were hoping to be blinded by his glorious ginger nipples and blinding #FFFFFF hex color code body.